Jessica’s blog

Wow, I can't believe how long it has been since I've done blogging.  But, I am back.  I need some peace.  Anyways, as most of you probably guessed I had my new little one.  He's almost 4 months.  I will post some pictures later.  He was 3 weeks early, they needed to induce me because of my kidneys again.  I named him Aiden William and he was 5 pounds 12.4 ounces.  He had a rough start similar to Madeline but did do better in some degrees.  He was breastfed the first 5 weeks and then I could no longer produce enough so I decided to switch him to formula.  He did get sick again so they ended up putting him on a higher calorie formula for his weight gain but is doing well on that now.  I love being a mom, it certainly has its down times though.  I don't have much time to myself anymore and I'm pretty tired all the time.  Madeline is doing well, getting bigger and bigger everyday.  She will be 2 in June, she also had surgery on Monday.  She needed tubes in both her ears as well as her adnoids out.  She will be getting her tonsils out later on.  So far so good, she's still pretty crabby from the whole ordeal.  I got married August 11, 2007 (will have to post some of those pics too).  We are currently looking into buying a new home and moving this summer.  Depending on if I go to school this summer I should be graduated by next summer.  I'm getting closer anyways, having kids kind of slowed the process down a little bit but I don't regret a moment of it.  I got my period yesterday...sucks.  I got the IUD placed after my son was born, and boy am I ever regretting it.  I just don't like it.  But, I also don't think I need any more babies for quite awhile.  I decided to try and get to a goal weight, although it's proving harder than I thought it would be.  I have a hard time giving up chocolate...because it's so good.  I have no problem eating smaller portions and healthy foods but the chocolate is hard to give up.  The marriage is going pretty good, it has its ups and downs.  I feel alone a lot, because Jon works long hours and I go to school full time, I wish I had more time.  I think I may not be going to school this summer because I want some time for the family and to myself for once.  Anways, Aiden's teachers are going to be here pretty soon so hope all is well with everyone.  Post a comment, let me know how your doing!

Well, time is sure flying.  I am not ten weeks pregnant...going on 11 weeks.  Just seems like yesterday I found out.  I am feeling ok...not so bad nausea and my eating habits are ok.  I have already had a few ultrasounds.  The last ultrasound showed my baby's heartbeat of 180 beats per minute which frankly I think is high...but they said it could be that I'm stressed as well.  I want another girl...really bad.  I feel nervous about having a boy.  I am almost done with school this semester which makes me happy because than I can blog some more and share more stories.  Someone asked if I lost weight today...which makes me feel good because I have been doing my walking.  So...hopefully my weight is still under check.  My cyst under my bladder is still there...very irratating but...dealing.  Madeline is doing good...bad cold right now but she is good for the most part.  She can almost pretty much stand on her own now.  We are working on the walking but she is still scared about that but oh well.  Jon is good, working lots of hours as usual.  I'm working back at the daycare...not much new there.  But...things for the most part are good.  Hopefully I can still fit in my wedding dress come August...eek!  I never really showed much with my first daughter but everyone is saying that you get bigger the second time around!  I really want to feel my baby kick...I thought I felt something weird in there but friends say it still way too early.  But...I'm excited about that none the less.  My next doctor appointment is May 21...I'm excited because we will be able to hear the baby's heart beat without the use of a ultrasound.  Beginning of June we will know what we are having!!!  I am not quite exctied about the birth..because Madeline was a tough birth...maybe this one will be easier...who knows!  Anyways..thought I would do an update! 

Well, life is off to a rather long start the last couple of weeks.  I have not blogged in awhile and so I thought I would start again.  I finally decided to solve my debt...just then they decided to take me for everything I got.  Then, I found out I was pregnant.  In which, I am really excited but a quite bit nervous at the same time.  I love my daughter Madeline to death and I hope that this baby won't affect her at all.  None the less, I hope I do not not deliver to early this time.  I am told that I am at risk because Madeline was born premature...so...I hope that everything works out with this baby.  I have my first ultrasound on April 10th!  So, I'm quite excited to see what has developed.  I know all about pregnancy...I guess I am just nervous because it's my second...does that make sense?  Anyhow, I better get to bed, I have a long day tomorrow.  

I guess, I had a pretty bad night.  I went over to Shannon's house because Jon went out with his friends.  I was totally fine with it until i asked him where he was...he didn't know.  Who doesn't know the host at a house party? I don't know why but it made me feel bad and well...just like I said before yesterday, I knew something bad was going to happen.  Then, he gets home and tells me he had some drunk pictures taken with some chics.  He said not to worry because these chics had boyfriends...well whatever...I don't care, I was so hurt...it just hurts.  I have put up with everything and I guess this was the last straw.  It is so hard to love him, and it shouldn't be, I should not have to try and "love someone". I do love him, I just have a hard time doing so sometimes.  Our relationship has not been easy for me and I am trying to make it work for Madeline...and even though people say that children should not get involved with your relationship...well...their wrong because it is even harder when there is a child present.  I want to go to counseling...I was thinking on that last night, I might look it up and see if it is a possibility.  Anyways...I'm really sick and don't know why...maybe the wine...maybe I'm not a wine person...but I like it though.  So that concludes my answer to my sixth sense...it really does work!

I am soon going to be 21 and I currently have a 6 1/2 month old, a fiancee, and almost a college degree (give or take a year).  I want the most out of life and I feel my life has been reasonable except for the slight delays and the not so good childhood.  I'm engaged...but I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'm not sure how I feel about this whole marriage thing.  Jon and I have had much past and drama and I just do not know if my trust is going to come around again.  My trust with him has been abolished and to be real honest, I still have those "womanly instincts".  I contantly want to check his phone or check his computer (although I don't) I just don't trust him entirely yet...and I don't know if it will take time, or if I'm just being paranoid.  Everyone I talk to seems to say well...you must be paranoid, or maybe you are nervous.  Yes, well, I may be paranoid, and I may be nervous but I am not stupid either.  I know when something is wrong, I can feel just like everyone else.  I believe everyone has a sixth sense...it is just the feeling you get when something or someone is hurt or something is not quite right, I've talked to others and others agree that they have felt that way.  Or maybe I'm a psycho who just happens to have things go wrong when she feels they are going too.  Either way, I have a sixth sense, and it happens to work and be right most the time.  I guess I want to get married, and I want to be with Jon because he is Madeline's father and I love him and have been with him for 5 years.  I guess I just have nervous feelings about the whole thing, and frankly, the feelings make me nervous, almost as if something were going on under my nose type of thing.  Anyhow, it has been one of those days where everything is not making sense and I have a sense of earyness (if that's the right spelling)...something is just up. 

Last New Year's I was pregnant, so I could not do a whole lot.  We went to my moms boyfriends house (who she is no longer seeing actually).  February was my birthday and Valentines day.  Jon bought a camera for my birthday and took me out to eat and bought a teddy bear with chocolate for V-day.  Then, Jon lost his job in March, at about 7 months pregnant I tried out for cheerleading, later found out I made the team; just because I'm so good and I didn't get too big.  For Easter we had two foster children and went to my aunts house for easter. May, I was 8 months pregnant, and well, couldn't do a whole lot.  I worked and went to school, was finally done with school at that moment.  June came around and Jon got a new job and Madeline ended up being born early, we spent some time in Rochester and went home. The next day we had to move out of our apartment, with a two week old keep in mind.  Luckily we had lots of help and we were able to get out in the specific time frame.  July, we were living in our new apartment with Madeline.  It took about a month for us to get entirely settled.  August I started coaching cheerleading again, and Madeline ended up back in the hospital for a night because of her respiratory problems.  September came along and I started back up in school.  October was Madeline's first halloween, I also started cheerleading again, going to school, working, and taking care of Madeline all at the same time.  November, a bunch of nothing happened...Madeline turned six months old. Thanksgiving was good, we went to Mikes...my moms new boyfriend.  December, I managed to get myself kicked off the cheer team because I missed two games for Madeline being sick...my coach also pissed because I got her in trouble or some crap.  Christmas was great, Madeline got spoiled. This New Years, we were snowed in and Jon and I played scrabble and drank a beer.  We went to bed right after the ball dropped.  So, the year has gone by fast, and I hope that this year works out better than last...however, I don't regret anything that happened.  This year, I wont be making any resolutions, but only hope to loose weight, after all I'm paying $40 a month too, I joined weight watchers so I could learn to watch what I eat.  I've lost 8 pounds so far...I just have to learn to eat the right foods.  None the less...I'm going to try and see what I can do.  Madeline is being mc cranky butt so I will chat later, hope everyone had a great new year.

Time goes by so fast, but doesn't everyone know.  I finally finished my semester and I must say I'm pretty proud of myself.  Having Madeline, cheerleading, and work really killed me this semester.  I must say that I am feeling a bit lazy.  However, I did manage to organize my entire apartment and clean it.  I also got all the Christmas presents wrapped, I must only pick up two more things Friday and be done with it all.  I have recently fell in love with Grey's Anatomy, I have seen all the way through season 2 and now starting the 3rd season.  I love my Desperate but for some reason it hasn't been on lately...huh. Anyways, I can't help but be addicted to this new show I'm watching.  I had the worst day the other day.  It started by getting up early and studying, then finding out I received a C in a class I was suppose to get a B, next I couldn't find a parking spot and almost got a ticket, and then I found out the final I had been studying for was the week before, and then I found out I didn't get 2 jobs I applied for one being my internship and the other a part time job, and then my luck changed.  I was able to sell back some text books, so I got my daughter a dress from the store and as I try to start my car, it wouldn't turn on.  My car was broken.  Then, after this long brawl with my father about not having jumper cables, I got $20 stolen from me! Laugh out loud!  All I could really do was laugh at myself, for when it rains it pours! My luck still hasn't changed a whole lot, I'm still out 20 bucks and my car is still acting up,and I still don't have a adaquate job.  My grades were not as good as I would of liked them to be. I got an A in my social work class, two C's, and a D.  How did I do that?  Madeline has been sick the last couple of weeks with this respirtory infection, and they put her in this midieval device that scares the shit out of her.  Anyways...it has been tough the last couple of weeks and I'm just beginning to try and relax. 

So yeah, I do not have long but yeah...so bogged down with homework it is pathetic...I am starting to worry about my grades and if they are going to be good enough.  I have this huge paper due next Friday and a test next Friday and a photography assignment due Tuesday and a career portfolio that is due now but I got an extension on it...as well as three video extra credit assignment just so I can get my grade better than it is.  Good lord....school is sucking right now.  Just 4 long weeks left and I'm done! Well, for a month anyhow.  Madeline is doing good, seems as though she is coming down with something, I guess we will see.  Her eye is still cruddy but what ya going to do ya know? My tire blew out the other day, just more money I do not have.  I also have Xmas and rent and everything else, do not know how I am going to survive.  I can not wait to come into more money.   On another note, Desperate Housewives was friggin awesome...I was on the edge of my seat the whole time! Can you say excitement! I really did not like that chic anyway...she was always so kniving and a bitch....but that was my opinion.  The woman went real psycho man...couldn't believe it.  Anyways, I'm out for now. Peace

So, today was great I tell ya.  My feet hurt, my back is throbbing in pain.  I wish I had money so I could pay someone to massage my back for just 20 minutes...good massage for 20 minutes...that is it...just a massage...OK GET IT~! Ok sorry, so in not the best mood.  Work was ok today...I mean you would think it would be fun but not when you have some little stealers coming in all the time...I mean hello...you don't steal right in front of an employee...how stupid could you be???  Urgh...I'm tired...and I don't even know what is going on with me...but I'm overly tired, have a huge migraine and my body is aching right along with my boobs...just great!  Madeline on the other hand has been great!  She has this little rash on her cheeks though so I have been putting this Aquophor on it and it seems to be working, the doctor says she it taking after me in the exzema department...eeek.  Anyhoo, so I decided I'm going to skip photography again tomorrow...I hate skipping it makes me feel so guilty but I'm just so tired and behind on my paper that I just want to work on that and get it done ya know?? I promise I'll go everyday next week!  My mom is going to watch the kids for me on Friday night and just pay me to clean around the house this weekend thank god, because I'm tired and taking care of 3 kids overnight would of made just more tired.  I've been thinking about getting on nuvaring...birth control for those who do not know what it is.  I just am not good with the pill and I've heard that the ring is easy and very effective...how that is in real life who knows.  Anyways...totally getting excited for CSI tomorrow and getting my new outfit from cheer practice...because I have no clothes so I am excited about getting something I can wear that actually fits me.  Yeah, so I found an old best friend of mine from like 10 years ago that I haven't seen in about 8 years.  We have been talking through myspace and I have her phone number and such...it is so weird how I have been finding old friends lately?? Why is that?? Maybe I should look up my enemies or something...who knows. Anyhoo, out for now chat later!

So, Madeline and I had a nice night, well we tried.  First, we went to my grandmother's house and visited my father and his side of the family.  Then, we went to the mall with my friend Sarah and her little family...we got lots of candy!  I guess I will just have to eat her candy, since she cannot eat it yet.  I guess it went good, she was very interested in all the little kids running around, she didn't get crabby at all.  She was more upset about being in her carseat than walking through the mall.  I took some pictures, wish they could of been better but I had no one to help me take them so...oh well.  Jon was at work and my mom went to the bar with her new boyfriend so I ended up alone again, but it is ok, I had my little Maddy.  I dressed up Madeline as a lady bug and I went as a hippy like I do every other year.  It was fun and exciting, I cannot wait until she starts walking though, my arm is sore as well as my back from carrying her all around the mall.  Decides that, I have had one of those feelings of despair today.  I love Jon, and I love the rock he bought me, it is very pretty.  I wonder sometimes if it means what it is suppose to.  I want to marry him, and I love him, but I can't help but feel the awkwardness around him because of what he did (which I don't care to state, but let's just say it's not great).  I think the myspace, facebook, and everything on the net doesn't help it; because I'm always wondering you know?  I guess I just wonder about it sometimes, and when and if I am going to be able to trust him again?  So on a lighter note, my friend got hitched today, they wore costumes.  I'm happy for her...I just hope there is not an omen behind the whole "getting married on Halloween" thing.  I breasts have been very sore today...eek!  For some reason every time that happens to me now I get an eeary feeling...because last time that happened I happened to be pregnant.  Having Madeline was the best thing I ever did, but not quite sure it having another would be the best decision.  After all, I am on birth control, even though it failed the first time, who would think it would again right?  I have to work at 8 a.m., and not really feeling it because I'm dead tired and my back is killing me, almost wonder if my kidney is acting up again.  I love Victoria's Secret and all, but 8 a.m...jeeze that is early, even though we open at 6 a.m. the day after Thanksgiving...and I have to work that so I'd better get use to is right?  Anyways, better hit the sack before I end up staying up too late! PeAcE!